Bertha Jorkins and Her Love Potions
by crooked-soul
Summary: Bertha Jorkins is on the prowl for Gryffindors resident sex god, Sirius Black, but Remus might have one or two things to say about that Warning:Slash Oneshot


The Werewolf and The Dog

"Sirius?" piped up a slightly squeaky voice from behind his back, he turned around only to be confronted by Bertha Jorkins, the girl who had now been crushing on him for about two years, it really was getting tiresome. Especially as his affections were most definitely attached elsewhere, namely in the form of one charmingly bookish werewolf whose name began with _R_ and ended with _-emus. _He sighed but smiled at her anyway,

"Yes Bertha? What can I do for you?" the poor girl barely contained the small squeak that she couldn't help but make and then she blushed profusely, stumbling slightly over her words despite her best efforts to sound confident and, dare I say it, sexy.

"I -I just wanted to give you these" she thrust a very pink box of chocolate caramels under his nose "They're chocolates" she said unneccessarily.

"Thank you Bertha, I'll take my time enjoying them later tonight" he flashed her another grin before taking the chocolates and heading up to his dormitory indicating that the conversation was over. Behind his back Bertha stuck her thumbs up and grinned excitedly to her group of friends who sat in the corner and had watched the brief exchange intensely. This however did not go unnoticed by the aforementioned werewolf who was watching the girls suspiciously over the top of his transfiguration textbook, he had in fact overheard a part of the girls' conversation earlier that day and was duly worried for Sirius' welfare.

He placed his book down on the table in front of him before following Sirius up the stairs a little more quickly than usual, when he got there he could see that Sirius had already opened up the box and was currently ghosting his fingers over the small chocolatey sweets that lay nestled in pink tissue paper. However he immediately stopped when he heard Remus come in and jumped up to greet him.

"Remus, my darling!" he said giving his boyfriend a short but sweet kiss before entwining their fingers and pulling Remus back over to the chocolates, "Want one? Got them from Bertha Jorkins, I swear my chocolate horde will never ever run out while she's still around" he grinned

"No Sirius, and I don't think you should have any of them either" Remus said frowning down at the seemingly innocent little chocolates.

"Jealous Moony?" He raised an eyebrow, his expression teasing, Remus scowled at him briefly before directing his attention back to chocolates.

"Sorry to disappoint you Padfoot, dear, but no, I'm not remotely jealous of Bertha Jorkins, I am however extremely wary of her as I overheard something a little disturbing today. Do you mind if I just test something?"

"Course not, go ahead" Minutes later the two shared a mischievous grin, plots already forming in their minds.

"Do you mind if I take this one Pads? I have a rather good plan to get her back for this" Remus remarked and Sirius, immediately seeing the glint in his eye complied readily, very intrigued as to what this plan entailed.

The two of them crept purposefully to the top of the boys staircase, making sure that they stayed just out of sight, it was getting late now and they watched as the common room slowly emptied, James and Peter were already in their beds. Eventually just one person was left, pacing nervously in front of the dwindling fire, shooting the occassional glance at the staircase. Deciding that the time was ripe, Remus leant over and whispered something in Sirius' ear, setting the plan in motion.

"Oi! Remus! You ate my chocolates, you cheeky bugger!" Sirius shouted, doing well to sound reasonably affronted despite having to hold in a fit of laughter.

"Can't talk...must find Bertha...need to find wonderful, wonderful Bertha" Remus replied in a dreamy tone, loud enough for said girl to hear, they watched with increasing mirth as she turned round slowly to face the boys staircase, a look of utter panic on her face. At that point Remus left Sirius to his silent hysterics and started to drift down the stairs, trying to compose a look that was suitably smitten. He really only had to think about some specific moments he had shared with Sirius. _(Not meant in a dirty way guys) _

Once he was in view of the still aghast girl who looked as though someone had perfomed a full body-binding curse on her, Remus all but ran to her and started kissing the back of her hand, he then proceeded to get down on one knee and clear his throat. Bertha, who had by this point started muttering about whether she had put in too strong a dosage immediately snapped her gaze back to him, her eyes so wide that Sirius who was continuing to watch concealed in the shadows at the top of the stairs, thought that they might actually pop out.

"Bertha, my love, my darling, my one and only, I adore you, I love you, will you..."

"REMUS!!"

"Be my girlfriend?" he waggled his eyebrows at her in a hopeful sort of way, Sirius had now slipped to the floor and was currently holding in his sides and biting down on his lip in an effort to contain himself. Remus really was more mischievous than most people gave him credit for.

"Remus, just listen to me alright" Bertha started, pulling back her hand and taking a couple steps back, Remus shuffled forward on his knees with the look of a kicked puppy. Sirius almost winced in sympathy, that look was the _worst,_ he found it impossible to refuse the guy anything as soon as that look was unleashed, Bertha however seemed to be immune to its powers and wasn't regarding Remus any differently, she had a look of intense disappointment and frustration. Sirius actually got a little angry at this, _she would be lucky to have him love her, he was a better person than she could ever hope to be, stupid girl, granted if any of this had been for real he would have ripped her limb from limb but she would still be lucky to have had his love potion-induced or not _he thought.

No longer all that amused he continued to watch as Bertha tried to dig herself out of the hole she had dug herself.

"You're nice and all but I don't like you that way, you only like me because you've gone and had some love potion, that _wasn't meant for you_ might I add" Sirius was getting more and more angry now, feeling very protective and defensive of Remus.

"Love potion? What love potion, all I see is you my dearest darling" Remus replied getting off his knees to slip an arm around her waist and lean into her ear, Bertha made a small sound of protest whilst Sirius worked very hard trying to reassure himself it was all a prank. What Remus said next however erased both their fears.

"Do you perhaps mean the love potion that you infused into that box of chocolates you just so happened to give to Sirius?" His voice just loud enough for Sirius to hear was no longer dreamy but somewhat cold and angry, "You know, using a love potion is a rather underhanded move on your part and you are very _very _lucky that I happened to overhear what you and your friends were plotting earlier today otherwise I don't think I would have been quite as forgiving" He drew back at this point, looking at the girl sternly, she had gone bright red and the only response she seemed capable of making was a frightened squeak. Sirius was back to sniggering quietly.

Remus, satisfied that he had had sufficient revenge on the girl for trying to steal Sirius away from him made to walk back to the stairs but stopped abruptly halfway, turning back to the Bertha who still stood, rooted to the spot.

"Oh, and just so you know, Sirius Black is well and truly _taken. _Feel free to pass on the message" he grinned and continued walking towards the shadows at the top of the stairs where Sirius was hiding, the only sign that he was aware of Bertha bursting into tears and running up to her dormitory being the slight amusement in his eyes. Sirius was laughing heartily again by the time Remus reached him.

"Moony, that was bloody brilliant, did you see her face?" he said, practically having to wipe away tears of mirth.

"Glad you think so, perhaps now the entire female population of Hogwarts will finally get the message and stop trying to seduce _my _boyfriend" Remus replied with a raised eyebrow, Sirius slipped a hand teasingly onto his waist.

"Mmm.. I love it when you get possessive" the animagus grinned, Remus leaned in suggestively

"Care to show me how much?" he asked in a casual but playful tone

"Definitely" Sirius replied before grabbing the werewolf's hand and pulling him back into the dormitory.

**The rest I'll leave up to your imagination xD  
Reviews?**


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